The Beginning

I guess I shall start by explaining what exactly this blog is about- I have blogged about attachment parenting, and all the parenting views I still hold dearly, but you know, when my life fell apart as a result of a deadly disease (one I was overly confident was far in the past), I started to care less and less about Facebook arguments and being "right" in the mommy wars, and more about the war I was waging to survive my pregnancy and nourish my baby. And compassion. Empathy. I started to feel a lot more of it in the way I addressed other moms. Because you just don't know what someone is suffering through that is not on the surface. In fact, I've become a bit jaded towards the so-called crunchy lifestyle because the myriad of hyperbolic Facebook posts and articles about the evils of different foods- gmo's, dairy, gluten, sugar, etc, had and really continue to impact me. Also the idea that psychiatry is toxic and the "go off your meds and onto some homeopathic medicine" attitude bothers me. A lot. These sentiments are harmful to those who require meds to live. So the short story is yes, I breast feed my kids into toddlerhood, and co-sleep with two babies and do not circumcise. But I also know the darkness of mental illness and that life is not always simple. Everyone has a story.

Anyway, this blog is about anorexia. Yes, there is almost an alluring aspect of this disease to both those who have it and those who don't, and the comments the anorexic receives do nothing but perpetuate the disease.......

"Oh you eat soooo healthy! How disciplined you are."
"Wow, you have the perfect body.... I really need to exercise like you do."

As I said this blog is about anorexia. In particular it is about relapsing into this illness during pregnancy and postpartum. These are challenging times for women in so many ways- the stress and identity change of becoming a mom, the body image issues that come the dramatic changes opregnancy, and the very real pressure to get "back to normal" very quickly after giving birth. And for those of us who struggled with an eating disorder before pregnancy, this can be a triggering time.

And here is where I put my trigger warning. Read on at your own risk as I don't intend to censor myself here.

I began restricting and compulsively exercising before Piper was conceived. I thought I was ok because I was still at a normal weight. When I found out I was pregnant, I could not eat enough to gain weight and both of our lives were in jeopardy. I had lost hunger cues, and thus the ability to eat intuitively. I was terrified of gaining too much weight, when in reality I was gaining nothing. At 11 weeks I was hospitalized and rehydrated and re-fed and sent to a treatment facility to try and recover. Six weeks later I entered a partial hospitalization program because I was just too deep in my disorder to recover on an outpatient level. For ten weeks I spent 11 hours a day, 3 meals, and 2 snacks with other women suffering from eating disorders. I spent so many hours sitting around that table with the lovely view of trees and beautiful water in the most idyllic northwest setting, freaking out over food. I was so entrenched in the disease, so starved because what little I was taking in was being taken by Piper, that I had emotionally disconnected from everything but my eating disorder; from the daughter I was growing, from the family I had left at home. I had checked out completely, but I had (and still have) this amazing treatment team. Feeding Piper. That was my goal, at least until I could find enough grace towards myself to nourish myself. In many ways I still keep going because I am feeding Piper- she is still mostly breastfed while she explores solid food. My therapist said once, "Your eating disorder is so harsh to you that it won't even give you grace for being pregnant."

Yes. Indeed.

"You must do the thing you fear you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt