Anosognia

Anosognia- in simple terms, lack of insight, not having knowledge that a person has an illness. In eating disorders, a person is usually high-achieving and perfectionistic in other areas of their life; school, work, extracurricular activities. For example, an anorexic sees herself as fat, even when severely underweight. Or that they are simply dieting and any concern expressed is because people are trying to make them fat. This can lead to treatment occurring only once it is physically apparent. However, a person can die without ever becoming emaciated, or even underweight. In fact, bulimia and binge eating disorder sufferers are typically a normal weight or overweight. And practitioners who are not experts in eating disorders often perpetuate the sufferer's anosognia.

"But your weight isn't THAT low."
"Don't worry; you can exercise that much as long as you eat a little more."
"How much do you weigh?"

I liken this to waiting to treat stage II cancer until it gets to stage IV. And in the eating disorder world, stage IV might mean suicide or a deadly electrolyte imbalance, not an emaciated appearance.

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I am doing well. I will first give myself credit for doing well, and then follow it with my possible anosognia.

I did not weigh myself for eight days. I also ate my meal plan for several weeks. It did occur to me, during that time, that life is a lot easier for normal people. I ate some things I usually don't, and I realized I kinda do miss out on stuff a lot of people take for granted. By this I don't necessarily mean eating specific foods.  More like being able to share a family meal in a restaurant, or having ice cream with my kids....the whole social aspect of eating. Because anorexia is an incredibly isolating disease. It destroys one's connection with people.

And then the guilt crept in. Not just that, but the NOISE. The voice that tells me eating even a normal amount of food is bingeing. Eating icecream is weak. I am failing. I am going to become fat. Like, by tomorrow. Besides, I miss being hungry....If I had eaten half the sandwich, I would be successful. I HATE this feeling of fullness. I am being weighed down like a rock in the ocean.

I'm really having trouble determining which it is- anosognia.......or reality.

I gained 2.5 pounds. It's been the same for three weeks. I did not have the number until I finally got on the scale today, but my dietitian said it had been the same for three weeks, and not to worry. That we were out of the OH MY GOD, HIGHER LEVEL OF CARE zone, which we were in three weeks ago, but that we were not anywhere near finished weight restoring. So I got curious, and weighed myself. Never a good thing.

My stomach is disgusting me. I don't know if I can live in this body. I saw my legs in a yoga pose this week and nearly passed out.

So. I discovered powdered peanut butter in the organic section of the grocery store the other day. At first I was skeptical, thinking, this has to be processed to shit. But, they simply pressed most of the fat out of the peanuts. And viola! You add water and get peanut butter with one quarter of the calories! I really would be much, much thinner if I didn't eat peanut butter. It's one of the few calorie dense foods I will eat. So this discovery was like EUREKA!

My dietitian did not agree. Her response was, and I quote, "Oh my God. I'm freaking out a little."

I restricted for two days. And then I had a thought. Yeah, I'm fat. But was my life any better three weeks ago, before I gained two pounds? When I was thin?

I'm starting to think........anosognia. I ordered a mocha frappaccino at Starbucks to make up for skipping my workout snack.

But maybe it's not?