Where to begin.....

The world has kind of been spinning around me too quickly...I've been trying to think of what I want to say here since January. I'd call it writer's block- but it's more like "life block". Yes, that's a new term I'm coining.

In November and December I was in a very dark place of relapse. People were sending me messages of concern, my husband was sick with worry, and all the way I was slipping down that dark hole of anorexia. The one that, for me, starts with the empowerment of reaching fitness goals, and ends with pale, gray skin, chest pains, and total social isolation. And then there's me- the last to know. I left all treatment and attended a few of my groups, but other than that, I spent the holidays at the gym.

And then, right around Christmas, I was suddenly hungry. Starving, in fact. I told my husband it was like PMS on steroids. And then I started having crazy night sweats and hot flashes. That's it, I thought. I have put myself into menopause.....My period was late and I thought, well, one less issue to deal with. No more monthly weight gain. Thanks eating disorder. Yay.

This was Christmas.

 

 

And then after we survived that, barely, I thought I should just confirm I was actually in menopause....

 

 

 

 

And I got that.

 

 

Two weeks later, after a tumultuous falling out with Anthony's work and a decision to take a leap of faith and go for a drastic change, we set out to move to Boise, ID. First we stopped in Spokane to stay with my mother and father in law for a month, and I have to admit, it was good to chill and go at a slower pace during the morning sickness phase. I gained 9 lbs in the first trimester. Yes, I had been quite underweight to begin, and yes I had just begun eating normally after months of heavy restricting and exercise, and yes I was so malnourished I had lost a great deal of my hair and my face had settled to a permanent shade of orange-gray.........But it was still hard. It has been almost as shocking and difficult to adjust to my body and my bones being less prominent, the feeling of fat.....As it was to imagine how on earth I even managed to become pregnant in the state of health I was.

 

 

I have a treatment team in Boise. The weather is beautiful. We are going to have a baby boy in about three months time. I try to focus on this, I try to stay present. But usually, anorexic thoughts are still prominent. I think of all this weight I have gained. I know I am doing better- I am eating most of my meal plan most of the time, I am exercising far too much (oh my God, don't shoot me, I'm trying)....I also know that I don't have much control over what my body decides my son needs me to gain. And it's terrifying. Every calorie is still counted. Every workout still logged. But today I will try and stay in the moment and enjoy this sunny day with my husband and kids.

 

This is our son.

 

Just keep swimming, says Nemo. But not too hard. You still want to feel the water as you glide through it..... Otherwise, what's the point?